|
failed attempts to fly...
|
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jun. 1st, 2009|09:50 am] |
I have always been terrified of the fact that death is so imminent. It never seems to be far away, whether you could turn your steering wheel at the wrong time, or take a knife and make a fine slice down your own or someone else's neck. It would take you less than 30 seconds to die. It's seem so pointless when we've spent years and years trying to keep ourselves alive. Using seat belts, looking twice before crossing the road, staying healthy.
Now, I'm not a person who believes in fate. I very much believe that we are all responsible for what happens to us. Every step we take is a conscious or unconscious decision. That's why I've never been able to understand suicide. Wanting to take your own life, and taking that conscious decision do it. Making your peace with the fact that you will never know whether there will every be a female president of the United States, whether Darfur will ever stop starving, or whether the state of North Korea will cause world war three. You'll never know if they ever do make a reunion show of Friends, if Rambo XVI will be a box office hit, or if Michael Jackson will ever have another hit single.
You'd be missing out on something that you were supposed to experience. I never understood how one could be ok with that. I still don't...
I have always been terrified of death, but I never really saw myself live that long. I never imagined my self turn 60-70 years old, I never saw kids in my future, never thought I might get married. I always said I wanted to live until 102, but I honestly never saw it.
It might sound like a very sad and scary thought, but through the past couple of years I have come to find that this is one of the things about me that I truly appreciate. High hopes and expectations hardly ever pan out as we think, and most of the time we get disappointed when things turn out differently, rather than appreciating the fact that our lives are not planed out from start to finish. I want to live my life the way that it pans out, and not the way that I might have planned it out for my self when I was 15.
Last year the police found one of the students who live in my dorm, in his storage space, with a cable around his neck.
We never got much information about how or what or why, but I did find out who. It was one of my colleagues. One of the people that I thought was the most happy, outgoing, fun. He never seem to be the type of person who only needed a fifth of vodka to change his mind about wanting to be alive.
He wasn't. The police found him on the ground, not hanging from the rafters. I've spoken to him many times since, and it's hard to imagine that those conversation could never have taken place. I could easily never have seen him again.
All the changes that have happened in my life the last 4 years haven't all been great, but mostly all of them have given me a greater understanding of what to expect of my life. Even though things are different, it doesn't mean that it's wrong, or bad.
I can't wait to discover the rest of my life. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Feb. 22nd, 2009|01:04 am] |
Somewhere deep inside of me lives a little goth. And not the sad, emo, black make-up wearing type of goth. But a person who thrives on Edgar Allan Poe and Tim Burton.
Who would secretly love to decorate her entire home in a wasteful and useless style of black chandeliers and enormous and unique pieces of art.
Who wishes that we still spoke like recited in "The Raven":
Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore —
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door —
"'Tis some visiter," I muttered, "tapping at my chamber door —
Only this and nothing more."
Ah, distinctly I remember it was in the bleak December;
And each separate dying ember wrought its ghost upon the floor.
Eagerly I wished the morrow; — vainly I had sought to borrow
From my books surcease of sorrow — sorrow for the lost Lenore —
For the rare and radiant maiden whom the angels name Lenore —
Nameless here for evermore.
Who always wanted a black cat, and wanted to name it Wednesday. Like Wednesday Addams.
"Wednesdays child is full of woe"
Who would secretly love to always dress in lavish dresses, and live in a mansion like Edward Scissorhands or Addams family, on a hilltop over a town, where there is always a full moon.
|
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Feb. 6th, 2009|03:32 pm] |
En gammel liste jeg fant. jeg tenkte det ville være litt gøy å se hvor mange punkter jeg hadde krysset av nå :)
40 ting jeg vil gjøre før jeg blir 40:
Klippe håret kort, sende en ekte flaskepost, studere på universitet el høyskole, ta dykkersertifikat, gå på safari, Gifte meg, kjøre motorsykkel, lære meg å spille et instrument, få en tattovering, skrive en bok, strikke en ganser, lære tegnspråk, svømme med delfiner, lære meg å kjøre bil, lese 1000 bøker, se en pyramide på nært hold, bygge et hus, spille teater på en nasjonal scene, plante tomater, lære meg et magitriks, synge i en pianobar, reise på ekte road trip med venninner, holde en tale, reise til verdensrommet, ha et fancy middagsparty, lære meg å lage god mat, lage en snømann, ta ordentlige bilder, vinne et lotteri, holde en overraskelsesfest, stemme, dra på en arkeolgisk utgravning, "tagge" ned noe, lære å stå på vannski, dra på "white water rafting", adoptere et barn, lære å danse salsa, synge/danse på riksdekkende tv, sy og bruke et klesplagg, forelske meg og si at jeg elsker personen...
Alt som er uthevet har jeg fått gjort! |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jan. 4th, 2009|02:23 am] |
A quick word before I go to bed tonight!
My new favourite man is Jeffrey Dean Morgan!
Call him Denny Duquette, Patrick Sullivan or William. It's been a long time since a smile like his came around... <3 |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jan. 1st, 2009|09:53 pm] |
Dette er et gammelt innlegg jeg fant i en gammel dagbok :) Syns det var litt moro.
Idag gikk det opp for meg hvor lang tid det egentlig har gått siden vi gikk på skole sammen. Hvor mange dager det har gått siden vi sist stod i gangen og krysset fingrene og håpet at "idag er Nina syk, vel?!". Hvor mange dager det har gått siden vi gikk og kjøpte lunch og latti på Deli, og hvor mange måneder det har gått siden vi hadde premiere på "Neshornet", "Lilla" og "Dag".
Jeg var og kjøpte bok hos Fina, i den tøffe bokhandelen idag, og det slo meg hvor mye vi egentlig har å ta igjen. Hvor mye som egentlig har skjedd det siste halve året, og hvor mye vi har å snakke om.
Og rett som det var så møtte jeg Line på veien også. Hun hadde fått så langt hår. Og så jobbet hun i kaffebutikk. Hun så så voksen ut, og jeg tenkte "ser jeg også sånn ut? Har jeg også forandret meg så mye?"
Videregående ble som det ble. Nå er det føre var, og det er kanskje like greit. Jeg vet ikke om jeg hadde gjort alt likt om jeg fikk gjøre det igjen, men når jeg ser tilbake nå så merker jeg at jeg savner de små tingene. Manus. Hvin. Knising av Elisabeths rare fortellinger og oppgaver. Det å være fargen gul. eller grønn. Rare internspøker. Lange friminutter.Det er ingen rundt meg nå lenger som vil gå nedover gaten og synge høyt og trestemt med meg... |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Dec. 29th, 2008|12:55 am] |
Oh my God!
I love my family, but having to spend the holidays with them sure makes me want to kill my self...
Honestly, if I didn't have an eating disorder before, I sure as hell would have one after spending a couple of days with my mother and grand mother.
Grandma telling me I need to lose 10 kg or my mother who weighs me every time I come to visit.
I sure as hell am lucky to have such a grounded and sane boyfriend. Because if not he would surely be as nuts as us... |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Dec. 23rd, 2008|11:12 am] |
Top 10 moments of 2008:
10. Having my boyfriend home again, after he had spent 8 weeks on a boat this summer. I now have more faith and trust in the fact that we might actually be able to live with his job when the time comes.
9. Making all the new friends I have made. Jenny, Nina, Camilla :) And we've all survived, even though we have the crappiest boss.
8. Having the guts to quit my job, when my boss started to step way over the line. Never, ever think that you have to accept everything from someone, just because he did you a huge favor and gave you a job.
7. Göteborg - resulting in some of the summers best memories (and pictures :)
6. Kiwiaden 2008 - I never thought that a work thing could ever be so much fun.
5. Helping teach Emilia to read and write. She is so advanced, I'm sure she could start school next fall. But apparently, it runs in the family to learn to do things at an early age.
4. Having faith enough in my self to be certain that it is the right thing to do, to change the path of my life. To quit school, make some money, and next year do something completely different than I initially set out for my self. 4 years out of high school, this is not were I thought I'd see myself at all. But it's all led me to the place were I am now, and I don't regret any of it.
3. Dublin was the greatest vacation this year. It's been long since I have really enjoyed hanging out in a bar and drinking beer. And that all changed at Temple bar this summer. Even the walk to the zoo was fun. Those memories will last for ever.
2. Two years and still going strong. And now being wavered by other people's opinions about what we should do after this year, or whether or not we should get engaged or married. Just because ex-boyfriends and ex-girlfriends are getting married and having babies and buying houses, doesn't mean we have to.
And then I couldn't seem to be able to come up with a better no. 1 than:
1. Knowing more clearly who I am, and how strong I really can be.h |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Dec. 23rd, 2008|11:11 am] |
We have a nabour who likes to walk around naked in his appartment. And it doesn't seem to phase him that we actually can see him from our living room.
We have our very own "Chinese naked guy" :) |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Nov. 20th, 2008|07:03 pm] |
| | Hottest Hookup | Biggest Breakup | | Chris Brown and Riha... | Anne Hathaway and Ra... | | Favorite Jonas | Breakout Star of the Year | | Nick | Lady Gaga | | Baddest Bad Girl | Biggest Scandal | | Amy Winehouse | Raffaello Follieri's... | | Best Dressed | Worst Dressed | | Victoria Beckham | Aubrey O'Day | | Hottest Hottie | Cutest Celebuspawn | | Chace Crawford | Shiloh Jolie-Pitt | | Most Improved | Worst Trainwreck | | Nicole Richie | Amy Winehouse | | Most DVR-worthy Series | Biggest Box Office Blowout | | The Office | The Dark Knight | | Celeb of the Year | | | Barack Obama | |
|
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Nov. 7th, 2008|01:29 pm] |
Being sick gives you a lot (A LOT) of time to catch up on tv shows and other things you might not get a chance to follow too closely when you have jam packed days.
And one thing I have realised is that I have never cried so much because of a tv show, as I have because of Grey's Anatomy. Now that may all and well be because I am sick and broken down, but there is just something about Izzie and Denny Duquette's story that just gets to me.
Love like that doesn't come around to often. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Oct. 6th, 2008|09:49 pm] |
Dear Tim Burton and Johnny Depp!
I love you!! This is awesome!! xD |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Sep. 11th, 2008|01:31 pm] |
I just don't know anymore... This sucks so bad!
I don't know what to think or feel, I am so confused.
On one hand, I love him so much. But on the other, it breaks my heart to say that I don't think I'm in love with him anymore. And I don't know if that is going to be a problem...
ARGH! I get so frustrated when all I want to do is figure us out, and he doesn't even get that there might be a problem!! |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Sep. 7th, 2008|11:31 pm] |
I don't think in words, or scentences.
I think in pictures and memories.
A memory or picture will pass through my mind, and I feel the accompanying feeling. And then it's like being transported back to the same place, and the same time.
And if I'm imagening a new place or person, there are no feelings connected to the thoughts.
I sometimes wish I could think like that all the time, diconnected from previous experiences, able not to feel the feelings that come along with certain thoughts or memories.
And not feel the pangs of guilt, the sears of heart ache or the thrills of butterflies.
Sometimes I would like to be completely disconnected. To think clearly without feelings clouding my judgement.
Some decisions would be made so much easier and so much better by the removal of feelings. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jul. 10th, 2008|07:32 pm] |
For a lack of better words my self, I'll just quote Imogen Heap.
Can't close my eyes
They're wide awake
Every hair on my body
has got a thing for this place
Oh empty my heart
I've got to make room for this feeling
so much bigger than me
It couldn't be any more beautiful - I can't take it in.
-Imogen Heap |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jul. 8th, 2008|12:51 am] |
Nearly two years have passed now. Where did all the time go? All the talking we were supposed to do. Do I even know him? Or do I know him too well...
I am pretty sure that if I stay for just a few more years, there will be a ring on my finger and my hand will be his. But that is a good thing, right?
I love him as much as I love the other people who have been in my life much longer. 4, 6, 15, 22 years. I don't know if I would be able to imagine my life with out him now. We are so set in our ways, it's like we've already been married for 20 years. Never in my life had I thought it was ever going to be this easy.
Is something not right?
Who meets their soul mate at 20? That is the thought that is spinning in my mind. Was that really all there was to it? Why would it be so simple for me, but so difficult and heart breaking for others? Will I be with the first person I said "I love you" too for the rest of my life? My twenty-something mind tells me that there is piece of the puzzle that I am not seeing.
That love is never supposed to be easy for anyone.
My mind has fooled me before.
So I start picking every little detail apart. Trying to find some sign that this is not what it seems. Have I become so cynical that I am no longer able to believe? Has my fear of ending up as a forty-something divorcee, made me scared to believe in true love?
My cynical mind still hasn't made it self up yet. |
|
|
| Mean british men |
[May. 21st, 2008|12:15 am] |
 
There is just something about mean british men! They are just so over the top, and can also be kinda sweet. But most of all we love them because we never know where thet will go next :) |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Apr. 12th, 2008|06:23 pm] |
Honestly, I couldn't really care less for my job anymore. When people are busy I sneak off to the bathroom and read my book until they start calling for me. It feels so much better to get lost in something, than to have to sit around in your own thoughts all the time. I suppose getting fired wouldn't be the worst thing that could happen. That would give me more time to do more stuff that I enjoy.
My mother says I have an unhealthy obsession with the internet. But what she doesn't understand is that my relationship with the internet has been going on a lot longer than any of my boyfriends, serious or not.
The internet will never judge me for failing, or saying the right or wrong thing. It just tells me stories and helps me get distracted when I need to be.
Unhealthy obsession or not, that is what love is all about, is it not?
Following my mothers advise, I do have an unhealthy obsession with a lot of things. She never quite understood why I ever cared to put so much time and energy into obsessing over things like books and movies. I tell her it's because I love to imagine, but the truth is that Hollywood has romanticized life so much that the real thing is a bit of a let down. I honestly don't even know what to expect of life anymore, because I don't want to get my hopes up. I don't want to think that everything is ever going to be perfect. In my head, imperfect is the word.
And that is why I obsess.
To get back to the perfect state of things. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Apr. 7th, 2008|11:58 am] |
I've been reading Twilight. It's the best book I've read since Harry Potter, and I'm not impressed by nothing to much.
I've also narrowed down my school choices, and figured out that photography and journalism is not on the list this year. That's only because I feel like it would be a waste to try and become a journalist when I 1. have nothing to write about and 2. have no original or own opinions on anything in particular. I would love to try it again later when I have a degree or some sort of "expert opinion" on something to write about.
I also had a long chat with my mum and she pointed out some alternatives for me that I might not have thought about. Like physiotherapy and english.
mah! I don't know. I just want to apply and see where there world takes me... |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Mar. 10th, 2008|09:46 am] |
So, the problem isn't that I lack ambition. It's just that I have no clue as to what a job might entail in the future. Because there are several types of educations that I have been looking at that I find more than slightly interesting. But the problem is that half of them don't translate into any type of job. Or worst case, there are jobs, but there are so many of us with the same degree competing for the same job that over half of us are jobless.
So far, I feel that there are tons of things that fit the "Ingeborg Profile":
* photography
* advertising
* journalism
* web design
* interior design
* product design
For God's sake, I've even looked at optometry...
I thing that I just got a bit scared after the first miss, and I'm really scared to make the same mistake again. But this time, at least I know what to look for, to know what schools might be right for me. Curriculum, classes, maybe even teachers.
But at least I think one thing is clear. As I can see from the meeting I had with the guidance councilor where she said that she had never seen anyone score such a high score on one single bar on her aptitude test, and from my own conclusions, my education should definitely be something creative, and maybe something in media? |
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
| |
|
|
