failed attempts to fly...

I am just a big ball of uncontrollable emotions these days.
I feel like someone should just sit me down and force feed me Veritaserum, just so I would be able to tell at least one person the whole truth. Something that hasn't happened yet. And without the truth serum I don't even know where I would start... I'm confused, heart broken, sad, fragmented, relieved, pissed, lonely, crowded, stressed... But out of all of the above I'm not happy. I'm just coping.
It's hard to up root yourself every 3 years, and not lose yourself a little. And it's hard to feel like you don't lose people, ecspecially the people you really want to be around.
It's also hard to live with someone you really doesn't do much but tlk about her amazing boyfriend 24/7, when all you are trying to do is not think about the boy that is so far away. And all I want to do is call him, and tell him that I miss him. But I can't do that, because that's what girlfriends do. And I'm not his girlfriend.
Even if we both wanted that, it would not be a good idea, because he is going to be gone for almost 2 more years. I just wish that I had met him before... Or not at all... I'm not sure which one would make my life easier.
I don't think I've felt like this since I was head over heals in love with the boy that no one seems to be able to forget.

I am just pleased that I have been able to fit school and workouts in around my crazy head. Because if things had stayed the way they were this summer, I probably would not still be here... It was probably the darkes period of my life. I couldn't even be alone for 1 hour without having some sort of distraction, or else I would be a miserable wreck the rest of the day. So in some way, school has been a good new thing, with students and classes of my own, curriculums, books, litterature, new people and classes.

I just hope that we be able to get my head back on track, where it was before, and not feel so useless anymore...

I have never been in a situation like this before. Being single after 3 years, and not really knowing what to do about it. Not really wanting to be single, but understanding that neither boy is really good for me...

One is the one that made me feel angry and useless. Made me want to move away from him, just so I could get some space. Just so I could remember who I was and what I stood for.

The other one makes me feel like a little girl, with little control over anything. He has the potential to break my heart, and it makes me so angry at my self that I ended up in this situation so fast again. But he could snap his fingers and I would be there in a heartbeat.

I haven't felt like that in a long time.

I wish I had the strength to be more independent, and maybe sometimes not give a damn. I want to be strong and not feel useless. I want to not cry when he promises to call, and then doesn't. I want the fresh start this semester was supposed to be. Not a long outdrawn sobfest of me, once again, being sad because everyone I love is so damn far away from me.

It's been a very weird summer.

First with the whole rendez-vouz trip to England. Seeing my dad, step mom and grandparents again. Going to Scotland and experiencing something that was so close to my childhood summer memories, but I never actually had seen before. Seeing how old my father had gotten, and how little my grandparents have changed.
And while walking around downtown Carlisle think how well I knew this town, and that I remembered every nook and cranny of it. That is of course until I turn a corner and there is a huge Debenhams shopping center in the middle of the road. Or when I realized that had moved my favourite fountain, with all the little brass otters in it.

And then, coming home and realizing that summer was over. Even though it had only been a few weeks. And that rain was inevitable. Day after day of depression compressed into tiny moist drops falling from the sky.

Working my repetitive job, almost every evening. Either from 10-18 or 15-2330. And on my day of I realised that I have been working so many late hours that I had completely forgotten what regularly scheduled programming is. Trying to watch shows I used to watch, but being lost in the plot because I missed the last 100 hours of the show.

Or becoming single again... I think it might have been inevitable, because I knew for a long time that I was going to be leaving, and I didn't want to be in a half-ass relationship. Maybe it will work later on, but I have my doubts. When does it ever work to pick up the pieces of something like that...

And now, moving back home to the city I love the most. And kind of not wanting to leave at the same time. Having to leave all the great people I have met here, to most likely never to see them again. Moving into The Apartment, finally. Getting to live where I wanted to for all these years. And discovering that what I'd said most of my life I would never do, is the one thing I think I'm most suited for now. Teaching and studying languages.

Hopefully I will get the chance to meet just as many great new people...

I have always been terrified of the fact that death is so imminent. It never seems to be far away, whether you could turn your steering wheel at the wrong time, or take a knife and make a fine slice down your own or someone else's neck. It would take you less than 30 seconds to die. It's seem so pointless when we've spent years and years trying to keep ourselves alive. Using seat belts, looking twice before crossing the road, staying healthy.
Now, I'm not a person who believes in fate. I  very much believe that we are all responsible for what happens to us. Every step we take is a conscious or unconscious decision. That's why I've never been able to understand suicide. Wanting to take your own life, and taking that conscious decision do it. Making your peace with the fact that you will never know whether there will every be a female president of the United States, whether Darfur will ever stop starving, or whether the state of North Korea will cause world war three. You'll never know if they ever do make a reunion show of Friends, if Rambo XVI will be a box office hit, or if Michael Jackson will ever have another hit single.
You'd be missing out on something that you were supposed to experience. I never understood how one could be ok with that. I still don't...

I have always been terrified of death, but I never really saw myself live that long. I never imagined my self turn 60-70 years old, I never saw kids in my future, never thought I might get married. I always said I wanted to live until 102, but I honestly never saw it.
It might sound like a very sad and scary thought, but through the past couple of years I have come to find that this is one of the things about me that I truly appreciate. High hopes and expectations hardly ever pan out as we think, and most of the time we get disappointed when things turn out differently, rather than appreciating the fact that our lives are not planed out from start to finish. I want to live my life the way that it pans out, and not the way that I might have planned it out for my self when I was 15.

Last year the police found one of the students who live in my dorm, in his storage space, with a cable around his neck.
We never got much information about how or what or why, but I did find out who. It was one of my colleagues. One of the people that I thought was the most happy, outgoing, fun. He never seem to be the type of person who only needed a fifth of vodka to change his mind about wanting to be alive.
He wasn't. The police found him on the ground, not hanging from the rafters. I've spoken to him many times since, and it's hard to imagine that those conversation could never have taken place. I could easily never have seen him again.

All the changes that have happened in my life the last 4 years haven't all been great, but mostly all of them have given me a greater understanding of what to expect of my life. Even though things are different, it doesn't mean that it's wrong, or bad.
I can't wait to discover the rest of my life.

Somewhere deep inside of me lives a little goth. And not the sad, emo, black make-up wearing type of goth. But a person who thrives on Edgar Allan Poe and Tim Burton.
Who would secretly love to decorate her entire home in a wasteful and useless style of black chandeliers and enormous and unique pieces of art.



Who wishes that we still spoke like recited in "The Raven":

Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore —
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door —
"'Tis some visiter," I muttered, "tapping at my chamber door —
      Only this and nothing more."

Ah, distinctly I remember it was in the bleak December;
And each separate dying ember wrought its ghost upon the floor.
Eagerly I wished the morrow; — vainly I had sought to borrow
From my books surcease of sorrow — sorrow for the lost Lenore —
For the rare and radiant maiden whom the angels name Lenore —
      Nameless here for evermore.

Who always wanted a black cat, and wanted to name it Wednesday. Like Wednesday Addams.




"Wednesdays child is full of woe"



Who would secretly love to always dress in lavish dresses, and live in a mansion like Edward Scissorhands or Addams family, on a hilltop over a town, where there is always a full moon.

En gammel liste jeg fant. jeg tenkte det ville være litt gøy å se hvor mange punkter jeg hadde krysset av nå :)


40 ting jeg vil gjøre før jeg blir 40:
Klippe håret kort, sende en ekte flaskepost, studere på universitet el høyskole, ta dykkersertifikat, gå på safari, Gifte meg, kjøre motorsykkel, lære meg å spille et instrument, få en tattovering, skrive en bok, strikke en ganser, lære tegnspråk, svømme med delfiner, lære meg å kjøre bil, lese 1000 bøker, se en pyramide på nært hold, bygge et hus, spille teater på en nasjonal scene, plante tomater, lære meg et magitriks, synge i en pianobar, reise på ekte road trip med venninner, holde en tale, reise til verdensrommet, ha et fancy middagsparty, lære meg å lage god mat, lage en snømann, ta ordentlige bilder, vinne et lotteri, holde en overraskelsesfest, stemme, dra på en arkeolgisk utgravning, "tagge" ned noe, lære å stå på vannski, dra på "white water rafting", adoptere et barn, lære å danse salsa, synge/danse på riksdekkende tv, sy og bruke et klesplagg, forelske meg og si at jeg elsker personen...
Alt som er uthevet har jeg fått gjort!

A quick word before I go to bed tonight!
My new favourite man is Jeffrey Dean Morgan!

Call him Denny Duquette, Patrick Sullivan or William. It's been a long time since a smile like his came around... <3

Dette er et gammelt innlegg jeg fant i en gammel dagbok :) Syns det var litt moro.

Idag gikk det opp for meg hvor lang tid det egentlig har gått siden vi gikk på skole sammen. Hvor mange dager det har gått siden vi sist stod i gangen og krysset fingrene og håpet at "idag er Nina syk, vel?!". Hvor mange dager det har gått siden vi gikk og kjøpte lunch og latti på Deli, og hvor mange måneder det har gått siden vi hadde premiere på "Neshornet", "Lilla" og "Dag".

Jeg var og kjøpte bok hos Fina, i den tøffe bokhandelen idag, og det slo meg hvor mye vi egentlig har å ta igjen. Hvor mye som egentlig har skjedd det siste halve året, og hvor mye vi har å snakke om.
Og rett som det var så møtte jeg Line på veien også. Hun hadde fått så langt hår. Og så jobbet hun i kaffebutikk. Hun så så voksen ut, og jeg tenkte "ser jeg også sånn ut? Har jeg også forandret meg så mye?"
Videregående ble som det ble. Nå er det føre var, og det er kanskje like greit. Jeg vet ikke om jeg hadde gjort alt likt om jeg fikk gjøre det igjen, men når jeg ser tilbake nå så merker jeg at jeg savner de små tingene. Manus. Hvin. Knising av Elisabeths rare fortellinger og oppgaver. Det å være fargen gul. eller grønn. Rare internspøker. Lange friminutter.Det er ingen rundt meg nå lenger som vil gå nedover gaten og synge høyt og trestemt med meg...

Oh my God!

I love my family, but having to spend the holidays with them sure makes me want to kill my self...
Honestly, if I didn't have an eating disorder before, I sure as hell would have one after spending a couple of days with my mother and grand mother.
Grandma telling me I need to lose 10 kg or my mother who weighs me every time I come to visit.

I sure as hell am lucky to have such a grounded and sane boyfriend. Because if not he would surely be as nuts as us...

Top 10 moments of 2008:

10. Having my boyfriend home again, after he had spent 8 weeks on a boat this summer. I now have more faith and trust in the fact that we might actually be able to live with his job when the time comes.

9. Making all the new friends I have made. Jenny, Nina, Camilla :) And we've all survived, even though we have the crappiest boss.

8. Having the guts to quit my job, when my boss started to step way over the line. Never, ever think that you have to accept everything from someone, just because he did you a huge favor and gave you a job.

7. Göteborg - resulting in some of the summers best memories (and pictures :)

6. Kiwiaden 2008 - I never thought that a work thing could ever be so much fun.

5. Helping teach Emilia to read and write. She is so advanced, I'm sure she could start school next fall. But apparently, it runs in the family to learn to do things at an early age.

4. Having faith enough in my self to be certain that it is the right thing to do, to change the path of my life. To quit school, make some money, and next year do something completely different than I initially set out for my self. 4 years out of high school, this is not were I thought I'd see myself at all. But it's all led me to the place were I am now, and I don't regret any of it.

3. Dublin was the greatest vacation this year. It's been long since I have really enjoyed hanging out in a bar and drinking beer. And that all changed at Temple bar this summer. Even the walk to the zoo was fun. Those memories will last for ever.


2. Two years and still going strong. And now being wavered by other people's opinions about what we should do after this year, or whether or not we should get engaged or married. Just because ex-boyfriends and ex-girlfriends are getting married and having babies and buying houses, doesn't mean we have to.


And then I couldn't seem to be able to come up with a better no. 1 than:

1. Knowing more clearly who I am, and how strong I really can be.h